As you all know, 2006 was the most recent year we’ve had in history. It surpassed all other years by being the most modern year we’ve ever had.

Let’s go over a few things to make sure it is all in our memory right.

Starting in January, the world was rocked by a giant glacier falling from Canada and landing in New Mexico. Of course this caused quite a stir and ruined the ice industry in that region as locals were able to get their cubes of frozen water from the giant glacier melting near Santa Fe. The stock market lost points in the water stocks as the country adapted to this remapping of supply and demand.

February posed new challenges to President Bush. Having bought his wife flowers and candy the past 4 years, he needed a way to say “”I Love You”" without “”all that same crap”". It goes without saying that one doesn’t get to be commander in chief if one can’t make important decisions, so Bush and his cabinet decided on the perfect gift: A kazoo. “”You see,”" remarked Condoleezza Rice “”a kazoo says ‘I love you and I support you learning new musical talents’.”" Pressrooms buzzed with advice columnists remarking with marked skepticism. “”Dear Abby”" said “”I’m not so sure President Bush is setting the appropriate romantic example for young husbands that is crucial in our national leaders.”" Criticisms aside, the First Lady was reportedly “”very pleased”" by his gesture and crooned their song “”You’re So Vain”" on Valentines Day evening. Awww.

What a busy month March was! Malls everywhere came a buzz with festive “”March Madness”" decor. “”As you know, the day after the final four in the biggest shopping day of the year.”" remarked president of the Mall Association of America, J.M. Fawworthy. “”Discount team wear sells like hotcakes at IHOP.”" However, the shopping mayhem of March was not without event. The Mall (a huge complex in D.C.) was shut down for 3 hours after an Arab man choked to death on his “”Great Steak”". The Great Steak and Potato Co. declined comment. Terrorism was not suspected.

Thomas Alexander surprised lover April with an engagement ring on April 1st. “”I thought it was a joke so I cut off his left hand with a steak knife.”" Alexander survived his malady and remarked that he “”loved her as much as ever.”" He wears his ring on the right hand.

April, named for the Roman goddess of chocolate, also saw the advent of what analysts are calling the first “”scientific evidence”" in regards to the “”Satan Matrimonial Abuse Question”". Long celebrated for its constant showers that “”bring May flowers”", April gave scientist the opportunity to study this so called “”rain phenomena”" more closely. Their results gave credance to the age old fabel that when it is raining and there is sunshine “”the devil is beating his wife”". Just how they managed this is less clear but, we’re told it involves reliable witnesses and Ms. Cleo.

“”Ahh spring, when young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love.”" The month of May was a brightly colored Mecca of cool breezes and blooming flowers. “”I just love this time of year!”" admitted area man Florence Chaps. “”It’s that honeymoon before daylight savings time. I hate mosquitoes!”" Others were less than enthusiastic. Chicago native Justin X.B. grumbled over his Honey Nut Cheerios. “”Winter! That’s what I miss! CAN WE GET SOME SNOW OVER HERE! Back in my day, it was winter all year and wes liked it!”"

Due to a miscalculation involving leap years, scientists discovered that we were a full 30 days behind our regularly scheduled June. For this reason, the Bush Administration–by executive order–skipped June. “”I’m just glad we didn’t miss any holidays!”" said Dubya. Bridal Magazine was less than enthusiastic. “”Thousands of June weddings–gone! Is this how he plans to protect us from Osama Bin whatever his face??”" Constituents for the anti-June party rejoiced at apparent progression of their platform. “”We are glad to see this country is finally moving in the right direction!”" said 2004 anti-June presidential nominee June Mae as she kicked off a July 1st celebration.

Firework prices skyrocketed with growing uncertainty in the Iraq war. July saw unprecedented rises in Cherry Bomb prices. “”I remember the glory days…the fireworks wars. You could literally show up to any stand west of the Mississippi and grab handfuls of fire crackers…for free!”" remembered local man Jeb Callister. “”We blew up a hamster that year.”" Around the nation, lower-income families found prices cost prohibitive. “”We come here every year to celebrate our nation–to show our kids patriotism and the power of explosives, but I don’t see myself buying near as many Roman Candles this year. I’m so disappointed…and Louise? She was so upset we couldn’t get her out of the truck.”" In New York, the NAACP filed a class action lawsuit claiming minority discrimination. “”Poor African American families have gotten shivved by Bush and ‘Big Firework’ and we’re going to see this injustice remedied. “”

American kids dread August. August is that time when summer break is interrupted with trips to Wal-Mart for school supplies. “”I always cry when I see ‘Back to School Savings’–it’s a sure sign that hell is just around the corner,”" grieved 1st grader Amy Saint. (Amy was reportedly disciplined for using the “”H word”") August 2004 danced to a different tune. “”I think we just hit our breaking point, related 2nd grader Jason. “”Those who will be free must strike the first blow–I firmly believe this.”" In most cases the Primary Education Rebellion of 2004 was fairly localized and smaller scale than the media reported during the slow news month. “”Basically what we saw here is about 5 or 6 2^nd graders staging a walk out from Clayton Elementary.”" President Bush had mixed feelings about this so-called “”civil disobedience”". “”On the one hand, I hate bad kids, but on another hand, I feel that freedom is the best lesson we can teach our youngsters, and then on the other hand, I hated school…so maybe I can relate?”"

California Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi stole the show in September. “”You know how they have October surprises? Well I fought my way to the spotlight with what I like to call ‘September Scandals’.”" And for Pelosi, September was a month of scandals. Shocking the nation with her ‘Hammer and Sickle’ speech, Pelosi sang the praises of communism. “”Communism has only killed 100,000,000 people! Let’s give it another chance”" shouted Nancy during a DNC sponsored fundraiser. Her speech was received with mixed enthusiasm. Democrats tended to favor his socialistic mantra and subversion of capitalism while Republicans tended to favor the “”political suicide”" Pelosi was purportedly committing with the oh-so-desired “”undecided”". But enough talk of elections, I don’t want to spoil November!

“”When October goes, the snow begins to fly”" as the old song goes. And that’s exactly how Barry Manilow opened his Winter “”I’m Not Gay”" tour. “”If you listen closely to my songs, I do reference ‘she’ a few times. I’m not a gay man.”" Comedians made light of his unusual tour theme. “”Is he coming out the closet?”" asked Jay Leno of the Tonight Show, “”In that case, maybe I have an admission to make as well.”" Bush continued with his whistle stop campaigns for fellow Republicans making appearances in key swing states like Ohio, Florida, and mistakenly…Puerto Rico. “”Well why isn’t it a state!?”" Bush is rumored to have complained.

November 5th saw a huge increase in voting. American voters turned out in larger numbers than…ever. “”Compared to October, the voter turn out we saw in November was simply astounding. Inconceivable!”" remarked Ohio election director Julie Franklin. CNN showcased their objective election coverage by lining up moderate guests like Ted Kennedy, Ralph Nader, and John Kerry’s love child. When the election dust settled, America had elected new representatives, fired a few more, and replaced the rests. Republicans seemed to get the worst end of the deal. Many conservatives complained that “”Jesus had lost.”" Others weren’t sure what that meant. 

December started out right with Clifton’s birthday on the 2nd. Friends and family reportedly made a big “”to do”" about his 22^nd anniversary of being born. “”He’s a decent guy…I like him.”" said his Mom. City sidewalks were dressed in holiday style and shoppers were said to “”run home with their treasures”". “”This is Santa’s big day!”" informed North Pole Press Elf, Holly Snow. Christmas came and passed without incident. “”We were concerned about security. If terrorists were able to get at Santa, Christmas could easily be ruined,”" said Laverne Sure Lee, Holiday Security Analyst. Around the world, people celebrated the coming of the New Year with an evening of movies, games, and stuff. In New York, the Times Square greeted the New Year with their new Times Square Square. “”If you count the fact that it is 3d, we’re really talking 6 sides. That’s a big deal.”" Instead of lowering it in tradition, the Times Square Square was rolled down the street. “”Not quite as effective–but very modern!”" said tourist Mary Paisley, “”We got a kick out of it!”"

And that’s it! In summary, 2006 was a hella good year. And I’m proudly raising my glass of Pepsi, toasting a happy 2007!

Lots of love,
Clif